


You Can Show Me Your Heart

by realeyesrealize



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (the angst is related to dan's depression), Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 11:09:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13680474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realeyesrealize/pseuds/realeyesrealize
Summary: Phil had written down the number and handed it to Dan when he’d woken up, along with ten gorgeous red roses and a promise to be everything Dan needed, a side-kick in the hardest battle he would ever fight.Or: Valentine's Day in 2014 and 2018.





	You Can Show Me Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is my contribution to the Valentine's Day ficfest! Huge thanks to @phanetixs for beta reading this fic and for putting up with my indecisiveness through 3 different concepts <3
> 
> Title is from Since We're Alone by Niall Horan.

**2014**

Phil missed the warmth that usually enveloped him when he woke up. He turned to his left. It was empty. Slowly, he opened his eyes. It was dark in the room, so it couldn’t be the morning already. Still getting used to the darkness that surrounded him, he looked around. 

He let out a quiet yelp when he noticed Dan, sitting in his metal armchair. He was biting his lip, a dead look in his eyes. Phil could just make out the bags under them–they’d been there for quite a while now. 

“What are you doing? Come back.” Talking was hard, especially when Phil was still in that dazy state between sleeping and being fully awake. He curled his body and waited for Dan to get back in bed, next to him. 

When it became apparent Dan wasn’t coming back, he opened his eyes again. More awake now, he took a long look at Dan. He had a troubled expression on his face, yet he appeared focused. He seemed to be deep in thought about something, something that was a long time coming. 

Phil got out of the covers and sat down at the edge of the bed, right in front of Dan. Their faces were close. 

“What is it?” He put his hands on Dan’s. 

Dan blinked, his eyes focused somewhere behind Phil, avoiding his concerned gaze. He seemed torn. A long sigh escaped his lips before he started speaking.

“... is this all there is?” He kept his eyes trained on the wall. 

“To what?” Phil was confused. Deep down, he’d known a serious conversation was coming. Dan had been quieter lately, always reflecting on something. Phil would have preferred to have this conversation at a more normal time, perhaps after having had a cup of coffee, or two. But ultimately, he understood it was Dan’s call. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling of uncertainty. “You mean… to us?”

That seemed to shake Dan out of his thoughts. 

“No. Well, partly. But not in the way you’re imagining.” He looked at Phil, scared, and then looked down at the floor. 

Phil kept quiet, waiting for Dan to explain himself. He was scared too, shitless. His mind was already jumping to a million conclusions, his heart beating fast. 

“I meant, is this all there is to life? I feel like I’m constantly waiting for something that never comes. Everyday is the same, and even if I do something different, or we do something different, there’s this feeling of emptiness, of nothingness. And it’s always there.” 

*

They spent the night talking. At first, Phil had tried to shake Dan out of his thoughts, to distract him and make him come back to reality. 

“But this is my reality, Phil. This is my every day,” Dan had said tiredly. He had seemed frustrated, and that had frustrated Phil in turn. 

How to help the person you love most when their brain lies and lies and lies? When they’re constantly looking into the darkest abyss, one whose gravity you’ve never felt pull you down? 

He was deeply aware of the barrier that surrounded Dan. A barrier they’d both known was there for years, since the beginning really, but never tried to bring down. One out of comfort, and the other out of impotence. 

It made Phil feel helpless. He didn’t know what to say—and that never happened, not when it came to Dan. So he let Dan talk. And talk he did. 

He told Phil he couldn’t do it anymore, that the voices inside his head were getting louder and louder, and he’d ran out of energy to fight them. That he woke up exhausted, if he even fell asleep at all, and his limbs felt heavy for the rest of the day, his heart being a heavy empty space, too. Tired, tired, tired. 

Phil stayed silent. He realised halfway through that Dan just needed someone to listen, to let them in into his world, show them around, and hope for an escape. The realisation hit him hard. He let out a few tears. They burnt their way down his cheeks as he held Dan’s hand and stroked his back. Listening and understanding, finally, what he’d refused to accept for so long. 

In the end, Dan had fallen asleep out of exhaustion, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. They’d moved to the sofa at 5am, when it was clear none of them were going to be getting any sleep anytime soon. 

Phil, however, stayed awake. Guilt was clawing its way through his body, trapping every rational thought in a bubble of helplessness, of impotence. He realised, then and there, that night had been a turning point for both of them. The truth was out there, Dan had taken it out of his chest and carefully deposited it on the table, for the both of them to see. Dan could no longer fight alone, and Phil could no longer act like there was no battle to fight. 

He disentangled himself from Dan’s limp limbs, one last look at his peaceful sleeping face, before getting up. He went to their bedroom and fished his phone out from somewhere under the covers. _8am, 14th February 2014_ read his lockscreen. 

One quick Amazon order and a few text messages later, he was ready to set things right. 

**2018**

“Morning,” Dan whispered. His rough voice set a warm tingle through Phil’s spine and between his legs, a reminder of the night before. 

He turned around and let Dan rest his head on his chest. 

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” Phil said. He dropped a kiss to Dan’s untamed curls and sighed. Dan pressed his naked body further into Phil’s space, bringing a hand to Phil’s chest, next to his own face, and raking his fingers through the chest hair there. 

“How do you propose we celebrate?” Dan’s suggestive voice wasn’t helping Phil’s morning situation. 

“Didn’t we already celebrate last night?” 

Dan sighed dramatically. “This is what I get for being into older guys. When will my husband’s stamina come back from war?” 

“Besides, you have therapy in an hour.” Phil purposefully ignored Dan’s comment.

“Might just run away with Dr. Morgan. He gets me on a deeper level.” He lifted his head and dropped a chaste kiss to Phil’s lips. “Later, then.” 

That’s a promise they both intend to keep. 

*

Dan came back from therapy feeling positive, Phil could tell from the peaceful look in his face. He’d recently taken up meditation and Dr. Morgan sometimes guided him through short ones during their sessions. It helped him immensely, Dan swore. He had tried many a times to make Phil meditate after their weekly yoga workouts, but Dan’s soft voice guiding him through it and the tiredness after the exercise just lulled him into sleep. 

(“It’s unconscious meditation, Dan! It counts.” 

“It doesn’t count, Phil, and you know it.”)

Dr. Morgan hadn’t been the first therapist Dan had tried out. Before him, there had been three others. The first one, Bryony had suggested 4 years ago now. Phil had written down the number and handed it to Dan when he’d woken up, along with ten gorgeous red roses and a promise to be everything Dan needed, a side-kick in the hardest battle he would ever fight. It didn’t work out with that doctor, nor did with others, but finding Dr. Morgan had been a blessing. 

(“I think this is it, Phil. I think he can help me.”) 

It had been a journey full of hardships, a journey that was not yet completed and probably never would. But therapy, antidepressants, exercise and constant support seemed to do the trick and brought out a new light within Dan. And Phil could only watch and love him as he became the best version of himself. 

Getting him out of his thoughts, Dan plopped himself in the spot next to Phil on the sofa. He set a small bouquet of pretty, colourful flowers (Phil’s favourites) on the coffee table and kissed Phil. 

“Saw them on the way home. I figured if there’s a day to be unapologetically romantic, today’s probably it,” Dan said when they pulled apart. 

“I love them. I love _you_ ,” Phil replied. He tried to conceal the small burst of emotions that was rippling through his chest. He failed, but Dan didn’t mention it. Phil guessed Dan was probably feeling it too, that he had most likely talked about the significance of the day with Dr. Morgan, the double significance. 

“I love you, too.” Dan’s wavering voice left no doubts. “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?”

“We have.”

Later, they kept their promise. Phil kept his, too, and every day after that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Let me know if you liked it (or if you didn't). Feedback would be very much appreciated! 
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](https://tulipau.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/cloudfIuffer).


End file.
